Today was day 1 of ‘lose-fat-so-I-can-be-magical-at-basketball-and-shred-up-because-I’m-fat-and-if-I-go-to-cancun-in-november-like-this-I’m-going-to-embarrass-my-mom’ exercise/diet plan.

I know you’re thinking…men don’t think like this. Not true. We worry, its just not how skinny we are, it’s how jacked we are. But there are a few reasons why I feel like I need to hit the gym harder and eat better.

1) Facebook ruins lives. I’m not talking romantic or relationship lives. I’m talking my personal appearance life. Other people posting pictures of you on Facebook should be banned and illegal. I’m glad my 1,154 friends all get to see me caught in some candid and I seriously look like the 65 year old Hulk Hogan post-steroids. The brownies in my hand weren’t a nice touch either.

2) I went to Wal-Mart, last night at 1 a.m., and while my wife was grabbing what we went there for, I decided to go browse for things that we didn’t go there for. I saw a shirt and I was like, I want it. I realized that the clothing there is sized like way big so you feel like super skinny, when really they are just sizing things for the majority of fat Americans. So when I am an XL in the fat America sizes, that’s when my huge lard signal went off.

3) When your spouse learns how to shake things and pull on things to watch them move around, that’s a good lard signal. And then they start to shake other parts. And then it keeps shaking for a good 2-3 rotations simply from your spouse’s initial force. I admit, it’s fun, but man I feel like Bruce from the movie Matilda.

So that’s where I drew the line. I knew I needed to get back to working out like I did 3 years ago. And I wanted to shake things up. So I wanted to do p90x. I mean I could do that right? I see all the fat people on TV turn to shreds. But I always came up with excuses of why not to do p90x like: I have a cold, I feel like it’s Monday, I am sooo behind on walking dead, or my wife is on her period.

So I bailed on p90x. I took the next best route. I decided on some other workout motivation. It’s called caffeine. There are some pre-workout supplements that just get you going. Some stuff called JACK3D I use is great, and that name alone sold me on it. Not to mention its said “get this now, it’s discontinued, buy quick”. So I just obeyed.

But here’s the thing. Working out is not the same as a few years ago. Life is different now. I can’t spend 2 hours at the gym and eat a bag of nuts all day. I used to go balls to the wall because I wanted to see results and see them fast. I was on the hunt. I’m talking lifting super hard and super fast. My body is just not the same anymore. My expectations are too high. As I’m writing this I’m like, “I WORKED OUT THIS MORNING MY BICEPS SHOULD BE POPPING OUT OF THIS SHIRT”. I have to coop with reality.

So here’s the plan. There is no plan. Well, I guess there is sort of a plan. Just keep going and give the gym an honest go. No more going to the gym, shooting around a basketball, and calling it good. Oh, and I’m going to start saying bro a lot more and go tanning at least 3 times a week, that should do the trick, right? I’m also not going to weigh myself because the scale is *clearly* an evil liar. Plus guys like to have weight. Fact – muscle weighs more than fat.

The goal is before cancun in November. So I have a little more than a month. It’s short but possible.

Peace. I have to go squeeze my fat in the mirror now to get more motivation.